I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that we moved to where we did and that Belle is attending this school. She is so happy and so thriving. We went to her parent-teacher consultation this week and her teacher said that she's a delight to have in the class, that she's bright and articulate, that she's communicating well, that she puts her hand up to answer questions and that she never makes a fuss. She was even one of the few to recieve a certificate of merit this half-term for her "positive attitude". After all our anxiety about her shyness it seems as though we didn't need to worry in the least. She has friends and she's happy and she's talking. What more could we want?

She's reading too. Suddenly something has clicked and she's racing on with her reading skills. She only reads once a week at school and we haven't been great at enforcing nightly reading at home - mainly because the school books are very dull. But she's moved up a level now so we must get better. She has weekly homework which she loves doing - mainly sums and numberwork. They have PE twice a week - you can always tell as they all come out with ties and collars askew - which seems to be mainly stretching and dancing; Belle enjoys it anyway. She's spends all afternoon every afternoon drawing and colouring.

I went to a quiz night at the school. My team came last. If I hadn't known some of the general knowledge answers (capital of Tasmania? longest mountain range? recognising Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring) we'd have done even worse. On the other hand if I'd been able to recognise any of the pices of music from the past 30 years or answered any questions about films we'd have done a lot better. it was quite fun though next year I'm picking a team whose members look as though they watch lots of films and listen to old music.

The other mums are friendly. I've forced myself upon them to a certain extent - many of them know each other from the 3 months they force themselves to attend the local church - but they seem nice. Belle's acceptance amongst their daughters has helped. I find myself faintly amused though - and then wonder what they think of me. One of the girls still cries every morning on being left at the classroom door; her mum explained to me that it's because school is the only part of her life where she's not in control. Everywhere else she's the boss. She wasn't apologetic about that, simply stating it as a fact; at home this kid rules the roost, at school she's just one of the 30 and has to take her turn. No wonder the teachers are happy when Belle doesn't make a fuss. It sounds as though quite a few of the children are not really used to turn-taking.

Another mum was talking about the fact that her husband? partner? was on holiday with his other kids from a previous relationship. She has a 5 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. We asked how old the other kids were.... She paused. "I think they must be about 7 and 9? Something like that?" That means that, even if she got pregnant the day she started a relationship with their dad, they couldn't have been older than 2 and 4. They were probably younger. Don't you think you'd remember details like that? She's only met them a couple of times. Other people's lives are intriguing but they always seem odd.

The attitude and emphasis of the school seems great. Belle's constantly talking about teamwork ("if we co-operate well that's good teamwork; if we do stuff together not very well that's just called teamwork" and being kind. It doesn't seem to spill over at home very well; she's more tense with Ned and they're fighting more than normal. She gets irritated with him for not following her as well as her peers at school. She's having to be dealt with h more squashingly by us at home; still, if that's the only fall-out then I don't think it's too bad...

The weekend away in Shropshire was fabulous. There are times when it feels ridiculous to be going away with a couple of families that both live within 20 minutes drive of our home but once we're there it does feel worth any effort. Shropshire is the most beautiful place. I had no idea. We'd never been before; I'd barely have been able to point to it on a map. Belle loved every minute of it. "Oh mummy, look at the views. Why can't we move to the countryside? I love the countryside".

The children got on brilliantly. Six children is suddenly a bonus rather than the one downside to these weekends. The cottage boasted 2 reception rooms as well as a dining room (and 7 bedrooms) so the 5 older children occupied themselves for hours in their own play room. Next year, even Blond Godson's Sister will be in the gang. Belle and Ned played with Little Miss Consultant; they were permitted to join in a few of the older boys' games but they all seemed happy in any case. Belle turned into a little leader which was gratifying to watch.

Saturday afternoon we went to Ludlow Castle. It was fantastic. There were no areas roped off and no children-unfriendly areas (save for the vertignous drops from the walls). The children roamed free and discovered every pitch-dark hiding space, every tunnel, every winding staircase to the battlements. Ludlow itself was pretty and quaint. Sunday we headed up to the hills. The walk we chose was barely a mile and very tame by normal standards but it was just perfect for the children. Everything was exciting and pretty, from wading in the ford (they got absolutely drenched; my poor Belle did the entire walk with soaking tights from her overflowing wellies and ended up with feet like prunes) to throwing stones in the resevoir to climbing up the hillsides.

We're trying to persaude Jay to book up the same place for next year. I really want to go back. I'm going to see if we can go en famille for a few days to a smaller cottage before joining up with the others. I can't believe that there's such a gorgeous area of Britain within reasonably accessible distance that I didn't know existed.

Things making me happy:

• I'm so happy we've decided to stick at 2 children. A little sad maybe that I don't have 3 children but very very happy that I'm not going to have 3 children. If that makes any sense. (In fact so happy that I have bagged up 5 huge bagloads of baby boy clothes to give to best Friend tomorrow).
• My children love me. Belle told me she though she loved me "too much mummy". When asked why she told me she wished she had room in her to "love everybody in the world but I just love you too much". Ah. Cute. She, of course, always follows that up be reminding me that actually she still loves my sister more. But that's OK. Before I had children I can't tell you how much that would have freaked me out but now I'm much more mellow.
• I just got a text from my sister and she's now thinking of coming home for Christmas, flying in on 12th December. I have been trying to prepare Belle for the fact that we weren't expecting her to come back. Every time I even mention such a thing Belle cries. She's been holding out for S to return for the traditional family Christmas where they get to share a room Christmas night. She will be so happy. S wants me to keep it a secret and just show up at the school to collect her. I kind of like the idea but I also worry that Belle won't be able to cope with that. I might tell her she's coming back (once we know for definite) but keep the exact plans a secret.
• It's good to have great friends to go away with this weekend. Friends we've known since we were all 18 and naive - it's over 17 years now since we all met - and yet still all friends. And I'd say I'm way closer to Mrs Consultant now than I ever was in the past; it helps that we parent similarly and that our children are similar in temperament.
• Holiday time is coming. Yay. If I have to see another snivelly patient with a cold or hear another patient tell me that "it;s my body and I know what the problem is" I might just scream.
• The SIL who lives in the States is due to come over for a trip next month. She's really visiting her parents but she'll come and see us too which will be fun. She's not seen Belle since she turned 1 and she's never seen Ned; they are really excited about meeting her.
• My mother in law forgot my birthday but then arranged for me to be given some money. My parents also gave me money. It's lovely to have guilt-free shopping money. I already know what I want; I just need the time to go and hunt (like I'm going to get it anywhere other than Next!)
• We heard this week that Ned has a place at the State nursery where Belle went. He starts at the end of January. And, whilst part of me feels guilty that I'm so looking forward to my youngest child starting to spread his wings, the rest of me is just truly grateful. He really needs this - I'm hoping he can cope with 5 terms of it rather than Belle's 3 - but he does really need it. And so do we. We are not used to parenting a lone 3 year old for 6 hours of the day. When Belle was 3 we had an 18 month old too to distract and entertain and have fun with. A 3 year old on his own is a whole other kettle of fish.

And not so happy....

• I spent a long while chatting with my sister on the phone last weekend. The guy she's in love with, who's now living just a few hours' drive from her, has officially separated from his wife. Of course the same old story goes that they hadn't been in a "real marriage" for years but nonetheless they appeared to be making a go of it and raising their 6 (oh yes) kids together. Apparently his wife won't divorce him (they're Catholic) so it could be years before he's officially a free man. It's all a bit messy. I guess you can't sue for a quick divorce based on your own desertion?
• My parents are away. In the small and narrow world where everyone knows everyone - which is the world that my parents inhabit - they are going to find out that this guy left his wife for my sister within minutes of getting off the plane. My sister is leaving an email at home for them to read as soon as they gethome. Still. They are going to be sad. And probably a bit mad. (They did know this guy and his wife). (Oh and I do know my sister is in her mid-thirties and mistress of her own life but I'm the one who's living within earshot of my parents...)
• I'm rather looking forward to the lodger going. He hasn't been a hassle at all - quite the opposite, we barely see him - but it turns out I'm not that comfortable sharing my space with a stranger. And I think, if I am sharing my space with a stranger, then I'd rather it was one that came downstairs occasionally and got involved with family life rather than only appearing to go to college, work or take a shower. In other words, one that stopped being a stranger.
• Work is so irritating at the moment. So much paperwork, so much teaching. Rubbish students - my last one basically just didn't turn up to a lot of things that we'd organised specially for him. I faxed the university to let them know but I've not heard anything back yet. Normally the saving grace in all of this stuff is the patients but even they are annoying me greatly right now.
• The children are going through a phase of sleeping less well. Not great news when they are about to spend 3 nights sharing a room. Belle has woken up pretty much every night for the last week - sometimes with nightmares, sometimes just because she wantds to tell us something. It's irritating. Ned, the champion sleeper, has started waking early several mornings. In a week he has been dry at night 4 times. In consequence he's been waking at 11 or 2 some nights, other nights he wakes at 6 or 6.30 desperate for a wee. Sigh.

When I start getting this irritated with my patients then I know I need a break. Luckily I'm getting one. This is my last day at work for 11 days. hooray. Tomorrow we head off to hubby's sister for the night, popping in on Best Friend and her brood for a while on the way. I hate that I've not seen her new son yet, even though he's almost 4 weeks old. but an hour and a half's drive each way is too much to risk in the 5.5 hours I have between dropping Belle off and collecting her; so far there's no-one I know well enough to beg to pick her up if disaster strikes on the motorway, let alone coping with Ned and so much boring driving. So it will be lovely to see them and then we have a day of relaxing at SIL's with the children no doubt well-entertained by SIL, BIL, the dog and the hot tub. We've never stayed over there before and they only have one single bed; I've packed Belle's "ready bed" but she's never slept in it before and I'm hoping it all works out....

Then the next day we drive another couple of hours to a 7 bedroomed cottage close to the Welsh borders where we're staying with our Uni friends on our annual weekend away - Blond Godson and family, the Consultant family and Jay. Hopefully it will be more fun than last year - BGM, Hubby and Ned were all throwing up for most of the weekend. Each year things generally get a bit easier - the 6 children are now betweeen 2 and 6 which is way easier than 0 and 4; I think we're all looking forward to, say, 7 and 11 when hopefully we can go on lovely long treks without too much whining......

It's gutting that we can't stay over till Monday morning but of course Belle needs to be back at school so we'll have to trek back Sunday afternoon and hope Belle doesn't start the week too sleep-deprived. I've got next week off because my parents are away and so I need to do the school-run and look after Ned on Tuesday. Hopefully hubby can get some space (he's spent every evening for over a week fixing our wretched computer and is fed up) and we can get some jobs done that need doing - like making Ned's birthday cake. I'm planning on doing this. Ned had asked for a train cake and this strikes me as relatively easy and hopefully foolproof.

The other day we were talking, for some reason, about snakes. I can't even recall the context. Belle asked if it was poisonous "like a rattlesnake. That's poisonous".

It's weird, this knowing things that we haven't taught her. Because they don't get a lot of TV exposure, mostly our children have learnt what we've taught them and very little else. But now Belle is learning stuff from school and there are lots of random things she's coming out with when I least expect them. Apparently they had a lesson on snakes and creepy crawlies. We asked her about the lesson and she went straight into her "imitate Mrs H pedagogic mode". i love it when she does that. We know exactly how things are taught in her classroom; she'll make a pretty decent little actress if she carries on like this. "Well. Bees are useful for us. They won't sting you unless you frighten them so you can go near them. Wasps will just sting you so don't go near them. Ever. But bees are good for flowers and help them grow. if we didn't have bees we wouldn't have flowers. Rattlesnakes are poisonous. They don't live in England though, only in other countries". It may not all be accurate but it's relayed with absolute sincerity and the certainty that she's teaching us something we don't know.

The end of 1/2 term continued absolutely fine. She's still loving school. I think she's enjoying the break but she was disappointed Sunday night that there was to be no school the next day. Her last day was a non-uniform day which she loved, preparing carefully her "prettiest" clothes to weaar. it's such a girl thing at this age. All the boys' mums were saying that their sons couldn't care less; all the girls' mums agreed that the what-to-wear decision had been made very carefully.

She has a "best friend". She doesn't seem to feel the need to live in this other girl's pocket which I'm glad about; hopefully it gives less potential for bitchy fallings-out. She has other friends. She seems to be picked to do lots of things - picking teams and being a monitor; whether it's because she genuinely is always sitting the most nicely (the criteria she thinks she's following) or whether because Mrs H is trying to maintain her confidence levels and her speaking in public I don't know. We have a parent-teacher consultation after the holiday and I'm looking forward to hearing their perspective on her progress.

There's something I've been thinking about for a while and I don't quite know how to square it.

Recently I was reading an article in a GP magazine where the author was discussing the recent death of a lady (I'd never heard of her but she was apparently well-known for doing all sorts of charity stuff) from cancer. Her obituaries were all holding her up as a great example of someone who "didn't give into her cancer but fought against it". The autor was criticising the attitude that this *had* to be a good thing and he was saying that, given that there is no good evidence that attitude makes a difference to outcome, stories like this make other people, those who decide to just live with their cancer, feel inferior and make their families/friends more anxious and more likely to nag them and try to push them into changing their attitude. He was saying - and I agree with him from my experience - that sometimes the patients that accept their lot and accept their diease process (whatever the outcome) are those who seem most at peace and most relaxed about everything and who actually cope best in the longer term.

There's a lot of the "you can do it; you can achieve" talk that makes me uncomfortable. I was reading Beth's blog today where she was talking about her choices with regard to having another section or having a normal delivery, having had an emergency section with her 1st daughter. Some woman had commented "As an advocate of natural childbirth I have to say - you can do it, I believe in you". And you know? - maybe she can. But on the other hand, maybe she can't. maybe she has a small pelvic outlet and a big baby. Maybe this baby will be back-to-back and not be able to squeeze itself into the right position. Maybe he'll be breech. Maybe it just won't work. Someone telling her she can do it isn't going to magically make it happen.

I'm a recent convert to the X factor and I spend most Sunday evenings ironing in front of it. There's a lot of such talk on there too. "I know I can do it. I want it so much. If I just keep trying I know I can make it. This is all I've ever wanted". And their families "I believe in her. I know he can do it. She's so determined I know she can make it happen". And... well, maybe they can't. Maybe a life of working behind the counter in HMV is as near as they're ever going to get.

The government seems to espouse the same message, albeit more subtly. "Children should all be able to achieve 5 GCSEs. When they can't it's the fault of the shcool/the teaching methods/the exams". How about the fact that it's my understanding that achieving 5 GCSEs is what we expect of the average intelligence? Which by definition means that 1/2 the people won't achieve it. Nothing to do with how good the school is. Hubby has 14 year olds who can barely write a sentence. It's not because they were never taught; it's because they actually are not very bright. There's no shame in not being very bright (except there seems to be in current Britain. No one is allowed to be plain thick).

When I went to 6th form college to resit my A'levels (I missed out on medical school by one grade, first time round) there was a guy in my classes who was also resitting to try and get into medical school. Except that, the first time round, he had all U's. He was very determined. He was very nice. He tried really hard. But there was no way on this planet he was ever going to get the grades for med school. (And he didn't). The teachers were kind to him but honest and deep down I think he knew it wasn't going to happen. I wish I knew what he was doing now. I hope he found something to do that he likes.

And yet. And yet. I want to tell my children that they can do whatever they want. That nothing can hold them back, that the world is their oyster, that they can achieve. And, academically at least, there's a reasonable chance that that'll be the case. But Belle's current dream is to be an artist - and with her genetic heritage I'm guessing that's an unlikely scenario. But she's 4 so I encourage her "That would be great. You're so good at drawing. Fantastic" but how about when she's 14 or 24? When do you start to point out that everyone has their own particular talents and they might be heading in the wrong direction? Ned wants to be a drummer. He's desperate for a drum kit and to start lessons. Now he might inherit hubby's sense of rhythm in which case he'll be fine. On the other hand, he might inherit mine, in which case he's screwed. Drumming wise.

A long way from cancer deaths and vaginal deliveries. But the concept is the same. We can't always do what we want. How do we square that with encouraging our children to reach for their own particular stars?

I met up with M last week - M being the friend who adopted a little girl last year. From now on they are to be called Mr Small, Mrs Small and small Miss Small. Miss Small is getting on great; she's comfortable and sweet and seems to have settled so well. She's neither walking nor talking; luckily a) Mrs Small seems really relaxed about this because, although it's late, it's by no means terrifying and b) she knows several other people who's children are similarly late (Blond Godson's Sister for instance who finally started walking at 22 months but who still has only 5 words in total at just over 2 years. Oh, and one of my friends helpfully said to BGM "Are you sure? Only 50 words by 2 years really isn't that hard. I bet if you count up she'll have loads more than 5. Probably over 50". BGM looked at her like "what part of 5 words didn't you understand?" and repeated "No. She speaks 5 words -No. Mummy. Daddy. Cheese. Ta - That's it." We love the Mummy Mafia).

Anyway Mrs Small's BFF is Mrs Tall. When I organised the baby shower last year Mrs Tall came to help. I got the impression that not all was well. We barely know each other but Mrs Tall has always been fun and bubbly and chatty. She asked how I was and how my children were but she was brittle and I guessed that the world of children and baby showers etc was not a place she wanted to be right then. I confined my answers to one syllable and talked about her job and her family... A couple of months later Mrs Small confirmed to me that they had infertility problems (severe male factor and moderate female factor) and were about to undergo their first IVF. It failed. 2 embryos were transferred but she didn't get pregnant. Apparently they decided not to pursue it further. They couldn't bear the IVF and said that, for them, it all felt wrong.

Mrs Small and Mrs Tall's relationship has been stretched almost beyond breaking point. Mrs Small has needed support with regard to the adoption; in a way I think she would have liked their decision to adopt to be validated by her friend choosing to go the same route. But Mrs Tall has been unable to contemplate adoption and that's strained things considerably. And now......

Mrs Tall is pregnant. Well into her 2nd trimester in fact. No assistance, just a natural - some might call it miraculous - pregnancy.